C Me Dance – A Hilarious Mess

C Me Dance is a Christian film made by Producer/Writer/Director/Actor/Retard/Pastor Greg Robbins. It was released on April 3rd, 2009, with limited theater release. He has worked on quite a few other projects, mostly as a producer, and they’re all Christian-themed. The only thing you need to know: if they’re half as bad as C Me Dance, don’t bother.

C Me Dance is utterly horrific. It received a complete 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. You have to truly be a lazy, rushing filmmaker to make a film that’s this bad. The main character is a ballerina named Sheri, played by Christina DeMarco, another Christian Writer/Producer/Actor. The film begins with overwrought horror elements with a woman later established as Sheri’s mother driving in a panic from what can best be described as a Demon-Semi Tractor Trailer. Eventually the truck closes in and then the car is suddenly upside down and someone lights a fire under it. Then the film drags out an emotionless scene meant to be dramatic as the father tries to run to the car. This, my friends, is quite literally, only the beginning.

Rather than breakdown the entire film and everything that’s wrong with it, merely visit the IMDB page. The most frequently asked question is Is this film a satire, spoof of something, or some type of joke? The joke is that it’s not. The film tries to take itself very seriously, but hardly has a developed plot, let alone character development or decent acting. DeMarco is great to look at, but her acting consists of incessant and horrific blinking. Robbins stars himself as the father, only he got a much better-looking younger actor to play him as a young man, so its jarring when we see someone who doesn’t look anything remotely like the last guy we saw. The biggest problems are as follows: DeMarco clearly doesn’t know ballet, and where in something like Black Swan, a professional might notice mistakes made by Natalie Portman, the average viewer can’t tell. In C Me Dance, however, anyone can clearly tell why we are seeing only shots of feet doing ballet and then DeMarco’s face acting like she’s doing ballet. They were so lazy they didn’t even try to teach basic moves. The worst is during a ballet scene where we see her stunt double and she doesn’t even look remotely like DeMarco, and isn’t shot in ways where we may be fooled. Instead, we’re confused as to who we’re supposed to be watching and what the purpose is for this scene. Which leads me to the truly biggest problem: this film as ADD. A girl in the beginning has a foot problem that is then completely ignored as they run around the mall. In the span of five seconds we go from happy-at-the-mall, to coming-home-dad-looks-sad, to at-the-hospital-you-have-cancer-YOU-WILL-DIE! As if this isn’t enough of a plot line, the film gets distracted and Sheri develops powers. She’s also pointlessly attacked by kids from school that look older than their parents, only to “make them see god.” If this isn’t enough, suddenly the devil is “ticked off” and decides he’s going to “threaten” and “scare” and “manipulate” Sheri, in hopes to get her to stop spreading Jesus like HIV. I kid you not, all of this is in one film, and there’s still more.

My only guess is that this film was a brainchild of Greg Robbins, who thought if he added “sensational” elements haphazardly into a film, that it would draw in viewers who would then see the “deep” and “dramatic” Christian themes. A film that would send a Christian message to all the heathens. Instead, he created a film with too much in it and yet nothing going on. The worst part of the film is that there’s simply no tension. The devil is the most impotent devil ever on film. He has absolutely no power and is not a physical threat in anyway. To make matters worse, whenever Sheri is in trouble, all she needs to do is say something like, “I need a ride,” and then a creepy motorcyclist pulls up and says, “you need a ride.” And sexy Sheri with her busty chest gets on, and he doesn’t pull into an alleyway and rape the shit out of her and leave her for dead. Nope. He takes her exactly to where she needs to go.

To be honest, this film, as horrible as it is, is a laugh out loud riot. Get your friends together, make a drinking game out of it, crack jokes, laugh your ass off, and rewind some of the most unbelievable and poorly acted parts. Some people may still prefer Troll 2 back from 1990, but nineteen years later this film is truly a rival for funniest worst movie ever made. Others may bring up Tommy Wiseau’s The Room, but, quite frankly, that movie is so bad it’s most often boring than funny. C Me Dance will have you giggling and pissing your pants. The end is so melodramatic and stupid you’ll have tears streaming down your face–and not because you’ll find it sad. Your abdomen will ache. I guarantee it.

In fact, if you’re so bold, it’s both on Netflix Streaming and on YouTube. I’m also embedding it right here down below, in case you want just a little taste. I hope you enjoy it as much as my friends and I have.

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